Six years ago, this morning......
I opted to stay awake.
Stupidest thing I ever did.
Staying awake?
No, it's what I opted to stay awake for
Let me just explain that for some reason I was raised believing you are a wimp if you cave into ailments or sickness. We understood "disease", regretfully, but we were raised believing our minds could conquer a ton of stuff with fighting bugs and recovery.
I call it the "buck it up" gene.
Flu's were met with words of ....
"Hop up and take a shower, let's get your body believing it's feeling better and then you can have some tea and toast. Oh, and take the trash can with you to the shower."
or
"Open your bedroom windows after your shower. The fresh air will cleanse your body!"
or
"Hop up honey. I know you don't feel good but we need to get these sheets out and clean sheets on. Here is another set for when you are feeling better."
or
"If you are sick, you cannot watch tv or play or read or converse with your brothers and sisters. You can do that when you start feeling better."
or
"Buck it up."
Why were we raised this way?
I believe it was because we were a family of seven children. My mother had to keep our mind sets healthy and keep sickness from spreading.
Did it have an impact?
Yes, I can honestly tell you that I remember BARELY ever being sick. I also remember, MAX, being sick for 24 hours, if it was a flu like sickness and it would never hop over to all of our other siblings.
But it also may have had a negative impact. When I hear people "speaking" of ailments or getting the flu and passing it around like wild fire, I want to :
1. Go clean their house with bleach
2. Change all of their sheets
3. Educate them on the way sickness spreads
4. Open their windows
5. Tell them to "buck it up"
My children will tell you that I am a tough nurse. In my defense, I nurse sympathetically but I work on the mindset and body. If I see "wimpy" sneaking it's way into this sickness....I immediately start the "buck it up" process.They call those types of nurses, "nurses from H-E, double toothpicks."
Which led me to six years ago today, opting to stay awake for a
second hysterectomy.
Yes, you heard me right....
SECOND. (another story in itself)
I figured, I wasn't going to let this hysterectomy, this
SECOND hysterectomy take power of my body.
I was going to be tough. Prove to the world how your mind is stronger than your body.
I was so proud of my non-wimpiness and felt my OBGyn was just going to be in awe of my incredible strength.
He didn't act impressed.
He acted like I was trying to prove something.
What? Where would he get that idea?
~gulp~
And six years ago this morning, I was scrubbed up, cap on my head, naked under a thin sheet and rolled into surgery.
AWAKE.
STUP-I-DEST thing I ever did!
Who was I trying to impress?
Myself?
My doctor?
My body?
Immediately upon rolling into surgery, I knew this was a stupid idea.
It was a huge room. It wasn't like birthing a child. It had a scary and sterile (thank goodness) feel. It was freezing!
I felt like a MAJOR wimp.
The nurse talked to me, shocked that I was staying awake for this surgery.
Yes, by that time I knew I was an idiot.
A major idiot.
So, I had a thin blanket covering my "humiliated" body and a cap on my head and the second nurse arrived.
So you understand , this is all I could see of her.......
She was sweet. She kindly told me the words that all women hate hearing......
"Slide down towards the end of the table"........
UGH!
I WAS AN IDIOT TO STAY AWAKE!
As she peered......ummmmmmm.......
down below........she said......
"You look familiar."
I replied something to the words of......."
HUH?"
And she said...."
Your face. Your
face looks familiar. Do your kids go to CCS?"
They
did and I was about to die........
I was thinking....."KILL ME NOW!"
I can't even hardly tell you what I replied back but the surgery began. I talked nervously throughout. LIKE EVERY SINGLE SECOND. I'm sure my surgeon was wishing I had opted to be put to sleep.
There are so many reason why I would not opt to stay awake ever again but to keep from boring you to death....
#1 REASON to be asleep during surgery.
YOU HEAR EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON......GOOD OR BAD.
Surgery was wrapping up and the OBGYN said to the nurse, the one whose CHILDREN WENT TO MY KIDS SCHOOL, to call my husband and tell him that the surgery went fine and that I would be in recovery soon.
I told myself that I should be proud!
I had done it! Opted to
stay awake with a
MAJOR surgery!
I was
NOT a wimp! My mother would be proud!!!!!
I heard the nurse make the call....
and......while she was making that call..........
Something felt off. Weird. Not right.
And I was just getting ready to tell my OBGyn that something felt ....well.....
funky......
When I heard..........from my OBGyn......an exclamation of.....
"
OH CRAP!" (Except not the word crap. This is the PG version). Two eloquent words, which led me to believe that things were not exactly good. He exclaimed these two words...while he was peering......ummmmmm........
down there.
There was a flurry of words between nurses, doctor and emergency anaesthesiologist, another emergency surgeon friend and within thirty seconds, they put me under.
My "opting to stay awake plans",
thwarted.
That fast.
I had no clue what happened or what was going on.
Neither did my family in the waiting room. For over three more hours.
It wasn't life or death...thankfully. At least, that is what I was told, because it was handled immediately.
The hospital version....the surgeon, because of scar tissue on my cervix (what I'm told anyways), punctured my bladder. (
funny how the blame was put back on me because of scar tissue)
My surgeon's ego was deflated and so was my bladder.
He told me it was the first time ever, in the hundred years he has been operating, that he has had that happen. I found myself comforting him, encouraging him.....while I was being told that my bladder was punctured and the risks there-of.
When he walked out slump shouldered, I thought to myself..."what is wrong with this picture?"
I catch on real quick.
Fast forward to wearing a catheter for 14 days...
Terrible recovery...dehydration...constipation...emergency room visits...nightmares AND a new fear of surgery.
And today...on my six year anniversary......
I just wanted you guys to know......
Being tough is overrated.
You're welcome.
Love,
Me
PS. I woke up in the recovery room to my mother over me, asking why in the heck I would opt to stay awake. : ) Isn't life funny that way?
Now!
